Wednesday, March 18, 2020
If You Don’t have the Corona Virus
[ Intended as comic relief — though, according to some, “Some things just aren’t funny” ]
It was just two weeks ago that I discovered that I don’t have the Corona virus.
I began showing all of the symptoms of not having the virus — a notable lack of coughing, sneezing, or media-induced panic.
I knew I was missing out on a genuine opportunity to indulge in hyperbole and nonsense when I lost any interest in stockpiling supplies of toilet paper, tissue, or surgical masks. The last item puts me at great risk during those times when I may have to perform impromptu surgery.
As for toilet paper, there’s a small forest near our home with plenty of leaves...and pine cones. Those taking the natural route to ass-wiping should be aware that some leaves may be poison ivy.
The Chinese Communist party TM. has assured us that China, Wuhan, and the one-party dictatorship are in no way at fault for blocking information on the early onset of the illness and that noting such things would be racist (the Communist Party is now, like Islam, a race). It has been suggested by officials of the Chinese one-party state (along with like-minded western media sources) that the illness may have actually originated in....America, where some less than civil Trump supporters were reported to have eaten the uncooked entrails of Elvis Presley and the Lock Ness monster.
In this turbulent time, remember to wash your hands. Sitting around the house a lot could find your hands in all sorts of questionable places. Also, wash your car and wash the dishes. Don’t forget to call the virus by its proper name, “the imperialist capitalist bourgeoise counter-revolutionary enemy of the people....Trump virus.”
If you eat bats, cook them for at least 20 minutes in a well-seasoned bolonaise sauce.
Another strategy that has been well-publicized by America’s Democrat party is to relinquish privately owned handguns, provide ample funding to abortion providers, nationalize all industry under the leadership of New York’s mayor Di Blasio, and vote for the noted Democrat presidential candidate that sniffs the hair of young children.Remember, a lack of sneezing, an absence of coughing, and no fever may mean that you don’t have the Wuhan Chinese Communist Party Virus and thus lack appropriate team spirit and trendy affiliations.
Thank you....cough 🤢
